I’m just going to start typing. One, because my 9 year old daughter is learning how to type, and I told her it was important. Like riding a bike – once you learn, you will never forget. My husband chimed in by saying, “soon we will all just be talking into something that will transpose our thoughts and words onto the paper.” Ok, yes, that might be true. But, for now, I don’t have that mechanism, and I really miss typing.

I have been out of the workforce for a 2 ½ years now. I’m not really sure when the last time I actually sat down, at a desktop computer (my laptop), and wrote anything more than a comment on someone’s facebook page.

After hearing Fresh Air on NPR this morning, my daily intellectual stimulation on the way to the gym at 5:30 a.m., I heard about the book The Feminine Mystique. Written in 2001, in the middle of my fun 20s and not even married,  I completely missed it and never heard of it. So, I just finished reading an excerpt of it on Amazon. I might buy it – but, I think I get the overall idea. It has always been looked upon for women that stay at home with their kids as a blessing, a privilege, our purpose. Being pregnant with my first child and knowing I would have to start searching for full-time daycare, because there was no way financially for me to leave my job, was heartbreaking. Then, after 11 weeks of maternity leave, I couldn’t find my front door, and key to my office door quicker. I was so ready to get back in to the real world with big people and larger discussions. I was blessed to have a friend of the family offer to watch our baby girl from 12 weeks – 6 months, making it much easier to return to work.

So, I continued on my career path, and a year later, landed the most lucrative, most flexible, most perfect job ever. It was the pinnacle for me – at 30, I was a strong career woman with an awesome husband and a beautiful baby. I remember training for my first triathlon and seriously feeling on top of the world. I was well respected among my peers, my husband, my friends, and most importantly, myself. 

And, this, right here, is the feeling so many of us desire, yet have trouble accomplishing when we choose to leave the working world. Although I continued on my career path, a successful run in my sales career, the birth of our second baby girl, qualifying for trips to Hawaii, Paris and Spain, and making every annual bonus possible, I was torn with a decision to make after getting pregnant with our third daughter .

All through the pregnancy, something inside me was churning. I know now, it was God speaking to me – I had just been too busy and too content with my lucrative and flexible career to listen to him. It was one night of incessant praying that I found clarity. God answered my prayers, and I knew that my purpose had shifted, and with my husband’s career taking off, it was my calling to step out of the career world and stay at home with the children. I had never felt so free and at peace in my life. I came downstairs the next morning and looked at my husband square in the eyes and said, “I’m supposed to stay home with this next one.”

On top of all the fears and anxiety that go into having a child, we added a pretty hefty financial stress when I chose to leave my career. We both knew that if it was supposed to be this way, then God would provide. And, he did. Two months after Shea was born, Brett received a promotion. It was an answer to our prayers and a nod from God showing his reward for obedience. Things were off to a great start!

It’s been 2 ½ years later, and I still feel incredibly blessed to have this opportunity to be home with the kids. I’m no longer rushing to get them off to school. I don’t have them in after school care, and trying to race there to pick them up early, so I don’t feel guilty that they are there. (even though they loved it) I’m no longer up late at night on my computer trying to work and make plans for the next day. And, I don’t walk past my home office and have thousands of things going through my head on what I “should be” or “could be” doing for work to get ahead. I honestly can’t imagine going back to that now. As much as I fed off the competition and drive it took to be successful, I don’t yearn for that anymore.

But, I do yearn for something. And, it’s hard to describe. I want to be the best mom I can be – so, I read. And, read a lot. Parenting articles, books after books, etc. Yet, when they mess up, which they constantly do, I feel like I’m failing. There is no reward for their good behavior. We don’t get a pat on the back for having laundry done and dishes put away – for the 10^th time this week. Sometimes it just feels like a merry-go-round without any milestone or end in sight. That sounds desperate. And, yes, sometimes maybe it feels a little like that – but that’s when I go back to asking myself Why.

 It’s what my purpose right now is – I get that. I’m right here at this point, at this time in my life, trying to raise strong, independent, healthy, God-loving young women. That is my goal – it’s just so long-term. I loved seeing immediate results – short-term sales met, with immediate gratification. We don’t get that as stay-at-home moms.

Yes, there are proud moments each day. But, that isn’t the same. I need more. Why do I feel so guilty saying that? It’s true, though. Why do I already feel after 2 years that I’m supposed to be doing something in addition, and I just don’t know what that is. Why can’t I be content when I do have a little downtime? My 2 year old is in preschool for the first time 2 days a week. A total of 10 hours, and I feel like I’m already needing to look into doing something purposeful with my time.

It’s a never ending battle. I need to cherish the time I have now. Learn to be ok with the quiet time, and use it to rejuvenate. Lord knows we have to carry a strong shield of armor into battle every day, and it is easy to falter. I need to build myself up. Yes, I‘ve heard it a million times – “I could never be a stay-at-home mom. It’s definitely harder than working full-time.” That was me through my first two children. And, some days, I would definitely concur. But, instead of facing each day as a struggle or battle, I want to start taking back the day and using it as an opportunity. Finding little wins each day with my children and my husband will help. Just glimpses into their future – who they can become. And, in the meantime, I will continue to type. Maybe I’ll start a list of ideas that I can do when my kids all get in school.

See, there I go again. It’s engrained in me. Needing respect for myself is apparent. Although, I know I have it from my husband, kids, family and friends, because they show me and tell me all the time. I need to feel the love and respect for me -from me. (: That’s what I will work on today.